is a task that the couple Anne and Serge Ginger, two French Gestalt therapists, the couple have to overcome the moments of 'misunderstanding and avoid unnecessary injury.
● When you argue, allow yourself 10 minutes of timed words to your partner, listen carefully without interrupting and without "right answer" (well, not detached from listening to the response or preparing the defense).
Hopefully, we can not be content to reformulate what has been understood in his own words, per assicurarsi di aver ben compreso, ripetendo le parole forti o cariche che si ricordano. “Tu mi hai detto che…tu hai insistito su…Tu hai utilizzato la parola”.
Bisogna sopratutto evitare di reclamare i propri 10 minuti per “ristabilire la verità”.
Non si tratta di ricercare la verità, ma di percepire il sentire dell’altro, qualsiasi esso sia, di riconoscergli il diritto di espressione.
Ovviamente, un in un’altra occasione sarà l’altro componente della coppia ad esprimersi, evitando così la scalata infinita e senza uscita di argomentazioni e controargomentazioni.
Questo esercizio è biograficamente narrato, nel libro di Milton H. Erickson, "My voice will go" when told of the marriage of his parents married for nearly seventy-five years. So
said: "When we were newly married, my wife asked my mother:" When you and Daddy you disagree, what happens? "
" I tell my freedom, then I'm quiet, "said the mother.
Then she went out into the garden, my father and asked: "What were you doing when you and mom were in disagreement?". "I said what I had to say and then I stayed quiet," said my father.
"Well, then what happens?" Asked Betty.
"One or other of us was his way. It always worked, "said my father.
In the couple as in human relations in a broad sense, we must learn to activate a deep-active listening and empathetic communication.
In dealing with sensitive topics, activate a respectful dialogue. The social psychologist Jacques Salome
recommends some rules of "relational health."
be avoided verbal behaviors that form a sort of wall between the two partners. Let's see what
.
● The injunction telling the partner what to do, invading his freedom. ("You lose this habit," "You should lose weight").
● The disqualification: that hurt self-esteem ("Not enough girls," "I do not know anything").
● The emotional blackmail: that makes the other responsible for our suffering. ("Since you refused me a favor go out by myself").
● Allegations that begin with "you", because they kill the dialogue and create the raising of defenses in the other. Instead of saying "You do not consider me ever," it is better to say "I'm not considered by you."
Here are some practical rules for a productive and harmless pun.
1) Determine the point in dispute
2) Define the object the dispute
3) Do not interrupt the one who accuses
4) E 'may not charge different twist against each other.
5) Agree on the place and time where "face"
6) Do not resort to the museum marital
7) Do not exceed the threshold of vulnerability 'other
8) Consider the argument as the result of mutual conduct, and not as "is all the fault of others."
I like to enjoy with you the thought of a couple's therapist:
"My job is to spend hours listening to stories. I'm twenty-five years and I do not even tired. And 'certainly the way I for contemplate the mystery of life. The pain, the anger, the despair, fears and rebirth to which I expose myself to wake up finish in me an emotion that makes me feel closer to the heart of things. And there, a peace meeting. It was not always so. For years a champion, I've tried to make peace in the hearts of others. Then in time, I tamed my pride, I have learned to tolerate the fragility of trust and loss. Listening to donate. I learned on the skin that there is order where there is pain. So reasonable people's lives and no longer interested in the chaos of scare me. "
Anna Fabbrini
