La Coppia: 1+1=3 e il suo Ciclo di Vita. 
The couple's life often experience periods of crisis that the members of the same difficult to manage. How is it that the partner who had chosen such a time as the partner of our life does not fit our needs and expectations? What is behind these moments of crisis in the couple? There are physiological crisis that inevitably crosses the couple?
To grasp the nature of this phenomenon is useful to consider the work of E. Bader and P. Pearson in his book "In Quest of the Mytical Mate" (In search of the mythical mate), (1988). In the work proposed by the authors this is a cognitive model of the couple and we urge the reader to take it as such. That is not as a scheme that makes explicit the truth of how things are in the cycle of the couple, as the pair is (ontological model) but as a "lens" to read a truth about the pair (epistemological model), thus having a hand " key to "more to understand this phenomenon. This awareness allows you to leave the single pair that stays in its uniqueness.
In their model of the life cycle of the couple suggest that the evolutionary phases of the couple go through the stages of early childhood development, according to the evolutionary model of the psychoanalyst Margaret Mahler (autistic phase from zero to two months, the symbiotic phase of three to six months , phase separation of detection: a) differentiation from six to nine months, b) experiments from ten to seventeen months, rapprochement of seventeen to thirty-six months, object and self constancy by thirty-six months) as the pair bond is a behavior that re-attachment procedures similar to those experienced in the early relationship with the primary attachment figure, usually the biological mother or the child's caregiver (theory attachment of J. Bowlby).
The couple then as the children from zero to three years, initially through the stage of symbiosis, then the differentiation experiment, rapprochement and mutual interdependence. Not always able to complete the evolution, and this means the onset of problems more or less painful, or break the relationship. So write E. Bader and P. People in their manual: "Unfortunately for many couples is not the case that we proceed successfully through the stages of development [...] a member of the couple can hope to continuously maintain the relationship as symbiotic fusion, while the other may request support and encouragement for self-employed. This creates tension in the relationship because of the positions of the two people in two different phases.
Please note that the growth of marriage is like the growth of the individual and consists of an endless process of alternation between dialectic union, with its danger of slavery and identification with the risk of isolation. There is no solution to this endless process, in this alternation between belonging and separation.
This process involves time and in any case mode of evolution that are specific and unique "that" specific pair. Let us briefly
a breakdown in the life cycle of the couple.
THE LIFE CYCLE OF COUPLE "
I love Thee without holding on, appreciate you without judging, join you without invading, invite you without stress, leave you without guilt, without rebuke, criticize you, humiliate you without help, if you want give me the same thing then we can really meet and help each other grow . (Virginia Satir)
1) passionate delirium: the symbiosis
"
me as a seal upon your heart [...] because strong as death is love " (Song of Solomon, 8, 6)
This type of relational contract is characterized by an idealization of the drive for the other. This is the phase of the so-called "love" which is believed to have found the man or woman the right to partner, in which everyone is privileged between an individual from which it feels inexplicably attracted, fascinated, kidnapped and sexually emotionally and intellectually. Some of the other characteristics have an extraordinary fascination as the eyes, hands, the way they walk, etc.. And the other corresponds to its ideal model of partners. From
lovers perceive only the similarities, differences vanish, which is attributed more confidently to yourself, you delegate to another the satisfaction of their needs, you feel the sensation that the will of both his own life and that the projects are identical.
E 'the stage where we say to the beloved: "I love you because I need you!"
2) THE DISAPPOINTMENT - SEPARATION: THE DIFFERENTIATION
This is the next stage in the evolution of the symbiotic pair. The differentiation is due to disappointment that the other is not the idealized figure created in the process of falling in love. This phase is also known as "Awakening": open your eyes to see the other in his truth, you stop dreaming that the other is what you want, you realize that you wanted to be near each other what the other is, and this was possible only in the "romantic dream". It 's the time when the couple begin to say "no", but they feel anxiety at the thought of separately. The revival stirs mixed feelings: on one hand it is disappointing to note the differences, disagreements, find that the other is the faithful interpreter of my ideal project, the other can be gratifying to find the other person in his uniqueness. These could be words that could be exchanged at a glance the partners of a couple who feels in crisis at this stage of the report, that of "differentiation", if they managed to maintain sufficient peace of mind: "I'm not the one and only for you, that seems less and less eager to be one with me, and you seem so different from more ' ideal image I saw at the beginning, when I thought I had finally achieved happiness without end.. " In practice, a pair evolves to the symbiotic state of differentiation when one partner moves beyond the symbiotic state, and begins the self-reflection. He begins to think independently and there is a shift towards introspection to search for a sense of self, a sense deeper self. The partner is no longer seen as the source of self-awareness.
The difficulties become more intense when one is not ready, and takes all attempts to maintain the status quo. In this case the change is seen as a sign of pathological deterioration of the relationship, rather than as a natural evolutionary process. You think you have the wrong person, or a mistake to set the ratio. In this context, it is not surprising that many decide to establish a relationship with another person to relive the magical moment of falling in love, convinced that this time will be better.
In Ingmar Bergman film "Get out a marriage, "is masterfully narrated a classical evolution of the relationship of couples where the difficulties in understanding and then managing the process of transition from symbiosis to differentiation, make it particularly painful evolution, as it appears in the following snippet:
Marianne" .... Think about that summer when we toured the Mediterranean and we had with us the little girls in your old machine, and at night they erected the tent. Remember those nights in August on the English coast, where we slept in the open air, close all four? And we were so hot! "
Johan:" It 's no use crying over spilled milk. The daughters grow up. Break relations. L’amore prende fine, come la tenerezza, l’amicizia, la solidarietà. Non c’è niente di straordinario. E’ così”.
Marianne: “A volte penso che tu ed io siamo stati come due bambini nati con la camicia, favoriti dalla sorte e poi viziati; che abbiamo perduto le nostre risorse e ci siamo ritrovati poveri, amareggiati e stizziti. Dobbiamo aver commesso un errore da qualche parte, e non c’è nessuno che possa dirci dov’è che abbiamo sbagliato”.
Johan: “Ti dirò una cosa piuttosto banale. In materia di sentimenti noi siamo degli analfabeti. E il fatto triste è che ciò riguarda quasi tutte le persone….”
In questo frammento è evidente come la fine della simbiosi è vissuta dai due come un segno che è stato fatto un qualche errore e come un’evoluzione patologica del rapporto. Nel film, come spesso accade nella vita reale, il protagonista (Johan) tenta di risolvere il suo senso d’insoddisfazione nel rapporto instaurando una relazione extraconiugale, che viene ad un certo punto comunicata improvvisamente alla moglie. La magia del nuovo innamoramento dà a lui un’illusione di avere risolto i problemi che stava attraversando, mentre lei cade nel più profondo sconforto. Ma anche il nuovo rapporto prevede che anche lì la simbiosi non duri in eterno, e Johan e Marianne si ritroveranno a doversi confrontare per capire. Si ritroveranno come persone diverse. They both crossed the valley of tears el'hanno made richer sources. It is part of the reality in a different way. In fact, the end of the symbiosis and evolution in the later stages involves the rediscovery of self in the world, with all the possibilities that arise from going deeper into reality. This does not mean the end of the feeling in that relationship. Indeed, the increased self-confidence and in the other, gives the possibility to enjoy more free, our being on this earth. The transition from differentiation to later stages has the advantage of experiencing the so-called "object constancy loved," the trust that allows us not need to keep the other under control. The joy of being able to nurture the relationship with each other rather than having to feed the need to not scare away the other. (Enrico Loria)
3) TESTING: EXPLORING
"
Fidelity is not a duty, a commitment to limiting and painful. It 's a choice renewed each day, a gift to another that responds to freely . (Elizabeth Baldo) "
At this stage of the life cycle of the pair is very difficult to compromise, negotiate, because there is emotional detachment. A key feature of this phase is the "distance", the couple is competitive and there is empathy: is the stage at which prevails il'me me me '. Neither partner wants to give up fighting and arguing in a non-peaceful, there is no emotional connection. It 'important at this stage in order to reach the next one to take responsibility for their anger.
4) ACCEPTANCE: The rapprochement and interdependence
"... love is not love that changes when he finds a change, which goes away when the other moves away. Oh no, it is' a beacon for fixed always looking at the storm without being shaken . "(Shakespeare, Sonnet CXVI)
You will reach a new contract quite different from that symbiotic relationship. We return from the partners to resolve conflicts together. The two elements of the pair are independent, but at the same time are able and want to give to others. It 's the time when it is discovered that the fault of the other makes you smile, is the stage where if they do they discuss the content and not the person. It 's the next step where it says: "I need you because I love you!"
Thus, the question that freedom: "You Love Me?" - In other words you are willing / yy let me be as I am and meet me as you can? ". "I love you" means "I do the same." This
process is well illustrated in the invitation GK Gilbran proposes, in "The Prophet" when he speaks of marriage. So he says: "Love one another, but your love is not a prison rather than leave a wavy sea between the shores of your souls [...] like the strings of a lute are alone, though they quiver with the same music" .
conclude this post with a thought of Carl Rogers. In Becoming parners (1972) Rogers described four central conditions for the construction of a couple relationship satisfaction:
1) Commitment, as common interest to continuously enrich the lives of couples through the change.
2) Communication, come strumento di condivisione di qualsiasi sentimento e come mezzo di comprensione dei pensieri e sentimenti dell’altro.
3)Dissoluzione dei ruoli, ovvero la possibilità piacevole di vivere secondo le proprie scelte piuttosto che le aspettative e i ruoli imposti.
4)Diventare due Sé distinti, che significa promuovere la scoperta di sé incoraggiando la crescita di entrambi.
Le relazioni che funzionano hanno in comune alcuni fattori che sono decisivi per la loro riuscita. Vediamo quali:
1)Continuità di presenza.
2)Possibilità sempre aperta di parlarsi, in pratica non solo scambiarsi informazioni, ma soprattutto esprimere pensieri ed emozioni.
3)Saper ascoltare la voce dell’altro, Learn to read the words, gestures and innuendo.
4) Good emotional contact that is expressed in real close, made of tenderness, attention concrete, caresses, sight.
5) empathize with the other (put yourself in someone else's shoes to understand it better)
6) To have common interests that allow live to get rich doing things together.
7) Good communication and erotic sex.
8) Commitment to live and grow together.
9) Respect of individuality and autonomy of others.
10) Reciprocity of all these factors. Stumble
a very good book and a practical pair of two Rogers Counselor: Patty
Howell, Ralph Jones, "Report of torque effectively create the desired ratio", Edizioni La Meridiana.
